Rodney Dangerfield, born Jacob Cohen, was a legendary American comedian and actor known for his self-deprecating humor and trademark catchphrase “I don’t get no respect.” Rising to fame in the 1960s, Dangerfield’s comedy often revolved around his struggles with life, marriage, and his perceived lack of respect from others. He gained widespread recognition with his stand-up routines, television appearances, and memorable film roles in comedies like “Caddyshack” and “Back to School.” Dangerfield’s unique delivery and ability to turn personal insecurities into universal laughs endeared him to audiences worldwide. Despite his humorous persona, he battled personal demons, including struggles with depression and addiction. However, his comedic legacy remains indelible, influencing generations of comedians and earning him a permanent place in the pantheon of comedy greats. Rodney Dangerfield’s enduring impact on the world of comedy ensures that he will always be remembered and revered for his comedic brilliance.
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
1. “Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
2. “Better to keep quiet and let people think you’re an idiot than speak up and confirm it.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
3. “Comedy is a camouflage for depression.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
4. “Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
5. “I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
6. “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
7. “My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
8. “Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
9. “I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ’no.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
10. “Everyone says that looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who’s broke.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
11. “When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
12. “I’ve never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
13. “I’m sitting on top of the world, and I’ve got hemorrhoids.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
14. “When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I’m gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark…”
— Rodney Dangerfield
15. “I don’t get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
16. “With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
17. “My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
18. “I can’t get no respect.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
19. “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
20. “I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
21. “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
22. “My ex-wife is a water sign and I’m an earth sign. Together we made mud.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
23. “I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said “No, one drag is enough”.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
24. “I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
25. “For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
26. “My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
27. “I can’t figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
28. “I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn’t going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
29. “Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!”
— Rodney Dangerfield
30. “The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
31. “When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn’t been a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
32. “Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
33. “I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
34. “When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
35. “At Christmas time we couldn’t afford tinsel, so we’d wait till grandpa sneezed.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
36. “My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
37. “I went to look for a used car and found my wife’s dress in the back seat.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
38. “I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
39. “Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
40. “My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
41. “I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
42. “I have three kids, one of each.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
43. “Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!”
— Rodney Dangerfield
44. “You know you’re old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
45. “I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.””
— Rodney Dangerfield
46. “I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.””
— Rodney Dangerfield
47. “I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
48. “With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
49. “My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog’s bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
50. “My wife gives good headache.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
51. “My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
52. “If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
53. “When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
54. “Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
55. “Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
56. “If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
57. “I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
58. “With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!”
— Rodney Dangerfield
59. “When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
60. “My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
61. “I don’t care how rich and successful a man is. He’s nothing without an education.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
62. “My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
63. “My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful – never made me breakfast once. I don’t want to get started. One story is worse than another.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
64. “And my girlfriend, she’s FAT! How fat? She’s so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!”
— Rodney Dangerfield
65. “I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
66. “My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
67. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
68. “In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
69. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
70. “I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn’t see the mouse trap.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
71. “Never tell your wife she’s bad in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
72. “I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
73. “One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
74. “Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it’s different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
75. “I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
76. “I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
77. “One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
78. “My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he’s in the fruit section.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
79. “I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!”
— Rodney Dangerfield
80. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
81. “My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
82. “I’ve learned to control everything. I don’t get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That’s life. What good is it to get angry?”
— Rodney Dangerfield
83. “My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
84. “With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
85. “I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
86. “I’m a downer. I’ve been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
87. “My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
88. “I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
89. “If things go right, I’ll be there about a week, and if things don’t go right, I’ll be there about an hour and a half!”
— Rodney Dangerfield
90. “Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
91. “A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
92. “My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
93. “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
94. “When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
95. “My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
96. “I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is “don’t tell the butcher”!”
— Rodney Dangerfield
97. “She was old too, when she went to school they didn’t have history.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
98. “What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!”
— Rodney Dangerfield
99. “I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
100. “With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
101. “My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
102. “Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn – Prancer and Dancer – they dropped off a little something.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
103. “My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
104. “He who laughs last didn’t get it in the first place.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
105. “When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
106. “I tell ya, my wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
107. “My mother used to rock me – and she used big rocks.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
108. “Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
109. “What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
110. “You take care and I hope I’ll run into you – when I’m driving.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
111. “I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
112. “I am the world’s oldest teenager. I’ve never lost my youthful attitude.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
113. “I’ll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
114. “Never guess your wife’s size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
115. “Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, “Where’d you get the pig?” Guy says, “This is a duck.” Bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.””
— Rodney Dangerfield
116. “It’s lonely on the top when there’s no one on the bottom.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
117. “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
118. “When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.””
— Rodney Dangerfield
119. “Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
120. “During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
121. “At my age I’m envious of a stiff wind.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
122. “My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
123. “My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
124. “They say love thy neighbor as thy self, what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?”
— Rodney Dangerfield
125. “A hooker once told me she had a headache.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
126. “My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
127. “Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
128. “I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
129. “At Christmas time I sat on Santa’s lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !”
— Rodney Dangerfield
130. “When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
131. “Hey, did somebody step on a duck?”
— Rodney Dangerfield
132. “I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.””
— Rodney Dangerfield
133. “Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex – my wife screwed in front of the jury.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
134. “Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
135. “She failed her drivers test. She couldn’t get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
136. “One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’”
— Rodney Dangerfield
137. “I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
138. “I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
139. “My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she’s cut out entirely.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
140. “I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
141. “I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn’t enough.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
142. “With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
143. “My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!”
— Rodney Dangerfield
144. “My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
145. “We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
146. “I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
147. “I told my doctor, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills” and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
148. “Marriage… it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
149. “In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
150. “It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
