Jay Leno is an American comedian, actor, and television host best known for his tenure as the host of “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.” Born in New Rochelle, New York, Leno began his career in stand-up comedy, quickly rising to prominence for his observational humor and affable persona. He became a regular guest host on “The Tonight Show” in the 1980s before eventually taking over as the permanent host in 1992. Leno’s tenure on “The Tonight Show” spanned over two decades, during which he became one of the most recognizable faces in late-night television. Known for his monologue jokes, comedic sketches, and interviews with celebrities, Leno’s show consistently ranked as one of the highest-rated late-night programs. Beyond television, Leno is also an avid car enthusiast and collector, hosting the show “Jay Leno’s Garage,” where he showcases his passion for automobiles. Throughout his career, Leno has remained a beloved figure in American comedy, admired for his wit, work ethic, and contributions to entertainment.
Jay Leno Quotes
1. “Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!”
— Jay Leno
2. “I believe engineers will save the world.”
— Jay Leno
3. “Ambition beats genius 99% of the time.”
— Jay Leno
4. “Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.”
— Jay Leno
5. “If you restore a car, and you’re making money, then you’re doing it wrong.”
— Jay Leno
6. “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.”
— Jay Leno
7. “If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.”
— Jay Leno
8. “Happiness is a privilege.”
— Jay Leno
9. “If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.”
— Jay Leno
10. “I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.”
— Jay Leno
11. “The Mars rover Curiosity has sent back images of some odd things on the surface of Mars, and some people think they could be UFOs. Here’s my question. If we’re on the surface of Mars, aren’t we the UFO?”
— Jay Leno
12. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”
— Jay Leno
13. “Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.”
— Jay Leno
14. “Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That’s scary. If the smartest guy in the world can’t figure out women, we’re screwed.”
— Jay Leno
15. “Really? Anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can’t even keep Joe Biden in line.”
— Jay Leno
16. “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.”
— Jay Leno
17. “You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.”
— Jay Leno
18. “When did the government become our psycho ex-girlfriend.”
— Jay Leno
19. “I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify against a man. Here you need 25.”
— Jay Leno
20. “The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can’t hurt us again until tomorrow.”
— Jay Leno
21. “President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he’s sweating a lot more during his second term.”
— Jay Leno
22. “We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?”
— Jay Leno
23. “In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.”
— Jay Leno
24. “There’s this big pie in show business, and you physically can’t eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice.”
— Jay Leno
25. “In business news, chocolate maker nestle is buying Jenny Craig. Well, that says it all you need to know about the war on obesity, doesn’t it? It’s over! Apparently we surrendered!”
— Jay Leno
26. “In the Enron scandal, whistleblower Sherron Watkins is now calling herself Enron Brokovitch. She testified Ken Lay was duped by the other executives. Oh, yeah. When is the last time you got duped and made $100 million?”
— Jay Leno
27. “President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like ‘the rerun of a bad movie.’ Well sure, there’s a Bush in the White House, the economy’s going to hell, we’re going to war over oil. I’ve seen this movie, haven’t I?”
— Jay Leno
28. “The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”
— Jay Leno
29. “Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years – or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.”
— Jay Leno
30. “According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The good news: Maybe all those jobs that went over there will finally come back.”
— Jay Leno
31. “Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you’ll feel so good, you’ll be able to start looking for a new job.”
— Jay Leno
32. “If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough.”
— Jay Leno
33. “Here at work, obviously, I make the most money of anyone on the show, so I try to be the first one here and the last one to leave. I have the crummiest office. I try to balance things out, spread it around.”
— Jay Leno
34. “As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil. It’s about gasoline.”
— Jay Leno
35. “McDonald’s announced that it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?”
— Jay Leno
36. “The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don’t want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they’ll just be known as the Bullets.”
— Jay Leno
37. “Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We’re the ones getting robbed.”
— Jay Leno
38. “The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That’s something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.”
— Jay Leno
39. “Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn’t know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom!”
— Jay Leno
40. “Jesse Jackson’s wife was arrested in Puerto Rico while protesting the naval bombings there. Jesse said he was holding a meeting with four of his secretaries to decide what to do and that these meetings could run well into the night.”
— Jay Leno
41. “The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans…”
— Jay Leno
42. “I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.”
— Jay Leno
43. “An intruder broke into Mike Tyson’s hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don’t know what’s scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you’re sleeping or breaking into someone else’s room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.”
— Jay Leno
44. “That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They’re in bed and she’s says, ‘In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.’”
— Jay Leno
45. “Changing the story until you believe it.”
— Jay Leno
46. “Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.”
— Jay Leno
47. “Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.”
— Jay Leno
48. “According to a new UN report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad, when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet.”
— Jay Leno
49. “People want to say there isn’t racial profiling at the airport, but let’s be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn’t Ali, leave a little extra time.”
— Jay Leno
50. “New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.”
— Jay Leno
51. “Today is February 14th – St. Valentine’s day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.”
— Jay Leno
52. “This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she’ll get his money, he’ll be dead in a week.”
— Jay Leno
53. “The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.”
— Jay Leno
54. “A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time.”
— Jay Leno
55. “America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.”
— Jay Leno
56. “I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!””
— Jay Leno
57. “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’”
— Jay Leno
58. “Fox News has changed its slogan from ‘Fair and Balanced’ to ‘See, I told you so!’”
— Jay Leno
59. “If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying to keep it, or you can slice it up and give some to the people around you, and you still have plenty left for yourself.”
— Jay Leno
60. “If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.”
— Jay Leno
61. “Comedy is the only profession where love from a stranger is better than love from a family member. You need to perform for strangers to see if you’re really funny. If they laugh and cheer, it’s the greatest thing in the world.”
— Jay Leno
62. “A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.”
— Jay Leno
63. “The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn’t work out. Apparently she couldn’t handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had.”
— Jay Leno
64. “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.”
— Jay Leno
65. “A Christmas tree – the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.”
— Jay Leno
66. “I was born the day I got my license. When I was a kid, if I wanted to go somewhere and see things, you have to get in your car and actually go.”
— Jay Leno
67. “Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind.”
— Jay Leno
68. “The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, there’s nothing worth fighting about.”
— Jay Leno
69. “If I have one advantage, it’s that I will try to work harder than the next guy.”
— Jay Leno
70. “Regulations force people to do better.”
— Jay Leno
71. “This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it “white people.””
— Jay Leno
72. “The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place.”
— Jay Leno
73. “Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she’ll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she’s going from the big house to an even bigger house.”
— Jay Leno
74. “Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.”
— Jay Leno
75. “You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.”
— Jay Leno
76. “President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn’t you think that was already illegal?”
— Jay Leno
77. “An Israeli man’s life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man’s heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can’t stop throwing rocks at himself.”
— Jay Leno
78. “A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.”
— Jay Leno
79. “Anheuser-Busch gives two free cases of beer to its employees at all of its parks, like Busch Gardens. That’s a comforting thought the next time you’re getting ready to get on the roller coaster!”
— Jay Leno
80. “The car was the iPhone of the 20th century. Kids these days don’t have to drive anymore. They just go there virtually.”
— Jay Leno
81. “It’s fun when you’re driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don’t. I mean, I don’t want to put on sunglasses. That’s why I’m in show business.”
— Jay Leno
82. “According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that’s why John Kerry had all that Botox – his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues.”
— Jay Leno
83. “The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, ‘Hey, can’t blame me for that one.’”
— Jay Leno
84. “Some sad news, President Bush’s lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn’t even know Tony Blair was sick?”
— Jay Leno
85. “They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it’s not the bun?”
— Jay Leno
86. “Men are liars. We lie about lying if we have to.”
— Jay Leno
87. “President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.”
— Jay Leno
88. “Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren’t bad people; they’re just acquaintances.”
— Jay Leno
89. “As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own apartment.”
— Jay Leno
90. “Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.”
— Jay Leno
91. “Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.”
— Jay Leno
92. “Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men’s soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.”
— Jay Leno
93. “President Obama has begun a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are: Confusion, Delusion, and Desperation.”
— Jay Leno
94. “It’s cold out. It’s even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup.”
— Jay Leno
95. “Wikipedia was offline after an overheating problem at one of its data centers. It was pretty bad. For a while there, people had nowhere to go for phony, inaccurate information.”
— Jay Leno
96. “I looked up the word POLITICS in the dictionary, and it’s actually a combination of two words: poli, which means ‘many,’ and tics, which means ‘bloodsuckers.’”
— Jay Leno
97. “The Catholic Church is still very angry about The Da Vinci Code – they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.”
— Jay Leno
98. “Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child.”
— Jay Leno
99. “Diet Coke with lemon – didn’t that used to be called Pledge?”
— Jay Leno
100. “I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama’s new slogan is ‘Spare Change You Can Believe In.’”
— Jay Leno
101. “I’m a staunch Independant. Every time I think I am a Republican, they do something greedy, and every time I think I am a Democrat, they go and do someting stupid.”
— Jay Leno
102. “Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.”
— Jay Leno
103. “I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.”
— Jay Leno
104. “Jesse Jackson was involved in a three-car crash this weekend. I understand that no one was hurt, but I understand that two of the women in the other cars are now pregnant.”
— Jay Leno
105. “My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?”
— Jay Leno
106. “I like cars that are ahead of their times, and that were noble failures because they were built to a higher standard than the consumer needed. Cars like the Wills Sainte Claire or the Duesenberg.”
— Jay Leno
107. “Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.”
— Jay Leno
108. “The Houston Astros want to change the name of Enron Field where they play. I guess the Enron name could cause problems for them. Like players could steal a base and then deny it.”
— Jay Leno
109. “The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn’t it be in Fortune or Money magazine?”
— Jay Leno
110. “Starbuck’s is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck’s price.”
— Jay Leno
111. “According to Time magazine, global warming is 33% worse than we thought. You know what that means? Al Gore is one-third more annoying than we thought.”
— Jay Leno
112. “Well, Joe Biden has done it again. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.”
— Jay Leno
113. “Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they’ll be able to address the viewers by name.”
— Jay Leno
114. “Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare.”
— Jay Leno
115. “The games haven’t even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don’t flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it’s like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.”
— Jay Leno
116. “Women get a little more excited about New Year’s Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.”
— Jay Leno
117. “There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it’s safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.”
— Jay Leno
118. “Remember when we used to worry about some weirdo having a razor blade inside an apple on Halloween? Not anymore. Like a kid today would eat an apple.”
— Jay Leno
119. “CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.”
— Jay Leno
120. “In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we’re doing anonymously.”
— Jay Leno
121. “Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.”
— Jay Leno
122. “Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling appeared before Congress. Do you think they even bothered swearing him in? Now he is denying he lied to Congress last week. He’s saying it was just the liquor talking.”
— Jay Leno
123. “The Stock Market was down today. Two major businesses declared bankruptcy, consumer spending is at an all time low – in other words, Bush is back on the job.”
— Jay Leno
124. “Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That’s so typical. Two cyborgs, ‘Oh, let’s blame the humans.’”
— Jay Leno
125. “John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, ‘Hey, shut up! What’s the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!’”
— Jay Leno
126. “Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.”
— Jay Leno
127. “In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there’s hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.”
— Jay Leno
128. “And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses.”
— Jay Leno
129. “People don’t mind if you have a lot of money if they know you’re working for it.”
— Jay Leno
130. “Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party?”
— Jay Leno
131. “When they said “Make love, not war” at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other.”
— Jay Leno
132. “Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent – over $500,000 a year. She’s in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month.”
— Jay Leno
133. “North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.”
— Jay Leno
134. “Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.”
— Jay Leno
135. “President Bush’s campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.”
— Jay Leno
136. “Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast.”
— Jay Leno
137. “How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?”
— Jay Leno
138. “Having a life is easy. Having a career is hard to come by.”
— Jay Leno
139. “We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we’re the only place that has lower numbers than he does.”
— Jay Leno
140. “As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They’re called relatives.”
— Jay Leno
141. “Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn’t have happened if those fish had guns.”
— Jay Leno
142. “According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, ‘What? We had a plan?’”
— Jay Leno
143. “Sixty years ago this week Hitler invaded Poland. This led to the creation of The History Channel.”
— Jay Leno
144. “I don’t like goodbyes, NBC does.”
— Jay Leno
145. “A fitness instructor in Maine has been charged with running a prostitution business out of her Zumba dance studio. Authorities first got suspicious when they saw guys going to work out at a Zumba dance studio.”
— Jay Leno
146. “Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, “Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England”.”
— Jay Leno
147. “There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn’t share it with the rest of us.”
— Jay Leno
148. “How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?”
— Jay Leno
149. “I’m going to be going to a secluded spot where no one can find me – NBC prime time.”
— Jay Leno
150. “Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What’s next – a ticking alarm clock? Let’s put that in a box.”
— Jay Leno
