George Carlin (1937–2008) was a legendary American comedian, social critic, and author known for his irreverent humor, sharp wit, and fearless commentary on contemporary society. Born in New York City, Carlin began his career in stand-up comedy in the late 1950s, gaining recognition for his observational humor and clever wordplay. Throughout his career, Carlin’s comedy routines explored a wide range of topics, from politics and religion to language and culture, challenging conventional wisdom and pushing boundaries with his provocative insights and unapologetic critiques. He became known for his iconic “Seven Dirty Words” routine, which sparked a landmark Supreme Court case on obscenity and free speech. Carlin’s influence extended beyond comedy; he authored several books, appeared in films and television shows, and earned numerous awards and accolades for his contributions to entertainment and social commentary. His legacy as a comedic trailblazer and cultural icon continues to inspire and resonate with audiences worldwide.

George Carlin Quotes

1. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
— George Carlin

2. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
— George Carlin

3. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
— George Carlin

4. “Everyone smiles in the same language.”
— George Carlin

5. “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”
— George Carlin

6. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
— George Carlin

7. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
— George Carlin

8. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin

9. “Always do whatever’s next.”
— George Carlin

10. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
— George Carlin

11. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
— George Carlin

12. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
— George Carlin

13. “Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
— George Carlin

14. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
— George Carlin

15. “It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”
— George Carlin

16. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
— George Carlin

17. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”
— George Carlin

18. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
— George Carlin

19. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
— George Carlin

20. “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
— George Carlin

21. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
— George Carlin

22. “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ”
— George Carlin

23. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
— George Carlin

24. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
— George Carlin

25. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
— George Carlin

26. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. ”
— George Carlin

27. “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
— George Carlin

28. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
— George Carlin

29. “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”
— George Carlin

30. “If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.”
— George Carlin

31. “The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are.”
— George Carlin

32. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
— George Carlin

33. “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.”
— George Carlin

34. “Religion is just mind control.”
— George Carlin

35. “What if there were no hypothetical questions?”
— George Carlin

36. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
— George Carlin

37. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
— George Carlin

38. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
— George Carlin

39. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
— George Carlin

40. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”
— George Carlin

41. “Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.”
— George Carlin

42. “I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.”
— George Carlin

43. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
— George Carlin

44. “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”
— George Carlin

45. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
— George Carlin

46. “If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.”
— George Carlin

47. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
— George Carlin

48. “The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”
— George Carlin

49. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
— George Carlin

50. “Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”
— George Carlin

51. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
— George Carlin

52. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
— George Carlin

53. “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”
— George Carlin

54. “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
— George Carlin

55. “Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.”
— George Carlin

56. “They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.”
— George Carlin

57. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”
— George Carlin

58. “I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”
— George Carlin

59. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
— George Carlin

60. “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”
— George Carlin

61. “The future will soon be a thing of the past.”
— George Carlin

62. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
— George Carlin

63. “We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.”
— George Carlin

64. “I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.”
— George Carlin

65. “I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”
— George Carlin

66. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”
— George Carlin

67. “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”
— George Carlin

68. “War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.”
— George Carlin

69. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
— George Carlin

70. “My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me.”
— George Carlin

71. “Surround yourself with what you love.”
— George Carlin

72. “So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
— George Carlin

73. “When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”
— George Carlin

74. “The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”
— George Carlin

75. “People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”
— George Carlin

76. “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.”
— George Carlin

77. “Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.”
— George Carlin

78. “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
— George Carlin

79. “If God created everything, he’s got a serious quality control problem.”
— George Carlin

80. “I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”
— George Carlin

81. “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
— George Carlin

82. “Life is a series of dogs.”
— George Carlin

83. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
— George Carlin

84. “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
— George Carlin

85. “Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”
— George Carlin

86. “People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.”
— George Carlin

87. “The status quo sucks.”
— George Carlin

88. “Electricity is really just organized lighting.”
— George Carlin

89. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
— George Carlin

90. “Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.”
— George Carlin

91. “Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?”
— George Carlin

92. “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”
— George Carlin

93. “Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!”
— George Carlin

94. “I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”
— George Carlin

95. “My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!”
— George Carlin

96. “There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.”
— George Carlin

97. “If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.”
— George Carlin

98. “Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”
— George Carlin

99. “The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”
— George Carlin

100. “I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.”
— George Carlin

101. “We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”
— George Carlin

102. “Life is a near-death experience.”
— George Carlin

103. “Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
— George Carlin

104. “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
— George Carlin

105. “Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.”
— George Carlin

106. “When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”
— George Carlin

107. “If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.”
— George Carlin

108. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”
— George Carlin

109. “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.”
— George Carlin

110. “We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.”
— George Carlin

111. “If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can’t lift it?”
— George Carlin

112. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.”
— George Carlin

113. “The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.”
— George Carlin

114. “Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”
— George Carlin

115. “And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”
— George Carlin

116. “If you you think there is a solution, you’re part of the problem.”
— George Carlin

117. “Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.”
— George Carlin

118. “If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”
— George Carlin

119. “Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.”
— George Carlin

120. “Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.”
— George Carlin

121. “I don’t get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.”
— George Carlin

122. “If you’re looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?”
— George Carlin

123. “Life is tough, then you die.”
— George Carlin

124. “If this is the best God can do, I’m not impressed.”
— George Carlin

125. “Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.”
— George Carlin

126. “There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!”
— George Carlin

127. “There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”
— George Carlin

128. “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
— George Carlin

129. “The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.”
— George Carlin

130. “Let’s not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.”
— George Carlin

131. “The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.”
— George Carlin

132. “We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.”
— George Carlin

133. “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”
— George Carlin

134. “I love people as I meet them one by one. People are just wonderful as individuals. You see the whole universe in their eyes if you look carefully. But as soon as they begin to group, as soon as they begin to clot, when there are five of them or ten or even groups of smallest two, they begin to change, they sacrifice the beauty of the individual for the sake of the group.”
— George Carlin

135. “The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: “Gimme that! It’s mine!””
— George Carlin

136. “Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We’re not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.”
— George Carlin

137. “Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.”
— George Carlin

138. “So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.”
— George Carlin

139. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
— George Carlin

140. “Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.”
— George Carlin

141. “Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.”
— George Carlin

142. “No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.”
— George Carlin

143. “We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.”
— George Carlin

144. “I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!”
— George Carlin

145. “More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.”
— George Carlin

146. “There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”
— George Carlin

147. “Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick.”
— George Carlin

148. “Hard work is for people short on talent.”
— George Carlin

149. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”
— George Carlin

150. “Tits always look better in a pink sweater.”
— George Carlin