George Carlin (1937–2008) was a legendary American comedian, social critic, and author known for his irreverent humor, sharp wit, and fearless commentary on contemporary society. Born in New York City, Carlin began his career in stand-up comedy in the late 1950s, gaining recognition for his observational humor and clever wordplay. Throughout his career, Carlin’s comedy routines explored a wide range of topics, from politics and religion to language and culture, challenging conventional wisdom and pushing boundaries with his provocative insights and unapologetic critiques. He became known for his iconic “Seven Dirty Words” routine, which sparked a landmark Supreme Court case on obscenity and free speech. Carlin’s influence extended beyond comedy; he authored several books, appeared in films and television shows, and earned numerous awards and accolades for his contributions to entertainment and social commentary. His legacy as a comedic trailblazer and cultural icon continues to inspire and resonate with audiences worldwide.
George Carlin Quotes
1. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
— George Carlin
2. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
— George Carlin
3. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
— George Carlin
4. “Everyone smiles in the same language.”
— George Carlin
5. “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”
— George Carlin
6. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
— George Carlin
7. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
— George Carlin
8. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
9. “Always do whatever’s next.”
— George Carlin
10. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
— George Carlin
11. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
— George Carlin
12. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
— George Carlin
13. “Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
— George Carlin
14. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
— George Carlin
15. “It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”
— George Carlin
16. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
— George Carlin
17. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”
— George Carlin
18. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
— George Carlin
19. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
— George Carlin
20. “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
— George Carlin
21. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
— George Carlin
22. “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ”
— George Carlin
23. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
— George Carlin
24. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
— George Carlin
25. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
— George Carlin
26. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. ”
— George Carlin
27. “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
— George Carlin
28. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
— George Carlin
29. “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”
— George Carlin
30. “If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.”
— George Carlin
31. “The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are.”
— George Carlin
32. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
— George Carlin
33. “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.”
— George Carlin
34. “Religion is just mind control.”
— George Carlin
35. “What if there were no hypothetical questions?”
— George Carlin
36. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
— George Carlin
37. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
— George Carlin
38. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
— George Carlin
39. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
— George Carlin
40. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”
— George Carlin
41. “Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.”
— George Carlin
42. “I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.”
— George Carlin
43. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
— George Carlin
44. “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”
— George Carlin
45. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
— George Carlin
46. “If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.”
— George Carlin
47. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
— George Carlin
48. “The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”
— George Carlin
49. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
— George Carlin
50. “Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”
— George Carlin
51. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
— George Carlin
52. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
— George Carlin
53. “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”
— George Carlin
54. “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
— George Carlin
55. “Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.”
— George Carlin
56. “They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.”
— George Carlin
57. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”
— George Carlin
58. “I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”
— George Carlin
59. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.”
— George Carlin
60. “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”
— George Carlin
61. “The future will soon be a thing of the past.”
— George Carlin
62. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
— George Carlin
63. “We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.”
— George Carlin
64. “I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.”
— George Carlin
65. “I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”
— George Carlin
66. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”
— George Carlin
67. “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”
— George Carlin
68. “War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.”
— George Carlin
69. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
— George Carlin
70. “My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me.”
— George Carlin
71. “Surround yourself with what you love.”
— George Carlin
72. “So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
— George Carlin
73. “When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”
— George Carlin
74. “The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”
— George Carlin
75. “People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”
— George Carlin
76. “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.”
— George Carlin
77. “Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.”
— George Carlin
78. “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
— George Carlin
79. “If God created everything, he’s got a serious quality control problem.”
— George Carlin
80. “I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”
— George Carlin
81. “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
— George Carlin
82. “Life is a series of dogs.”
— George Carlin
83. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
— George Carlin
84. “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
— George Carlin
85. “Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”
— George Carlin
86. “People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.”
— George Carlin
87. “The status quo sucks.”
— George Carlin
88. “Electricity is really just organized lighting.”
— George Carlin
89. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
— George Carlin
90. “Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.”
— George Carlin
91. “Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?”
— George Carlin
92. “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”
— George Carlin
93. “Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!”
— George Carlin
94. “I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”
— George Carlin
95. “My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!”
— George Carlin
96. “There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.”
— George Carlin
97. “If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.”
— George Carlin
98. “Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”
— George Carlin
99. “The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”
— George Carlin
100. “I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.”
— George Carlin
101. “We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”
— George Carlin
102. “Life is a near-death experience.”
— George Carlin
103. “Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
— George Carlin
104. “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
— George Carlin
105. “Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.”
— George Carlin
106. “When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”
— George Carlin
107. “If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.”
— George Carlin
108. “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.”
— George Carlin
109. “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.”
— George Carlin
110. “We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.”
— George Carlin
111. “If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can’t lift it?”
— George Carlin
112. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.”
— George Carlin
113. “The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.”
— George Carlin
114. “Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”
— George Carlin
115. “And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”
— George Carlin
116. “If you you think there is a solution, you’re part of the problem.”
— George Carlin
117. “Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.”
— George Carlin
118. “If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”
— George Carlin
119. “Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.”
— George Carlin
120. “Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.”
— George Carlin
121. “I don’t get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.”
— George Carlin
122. “If you’re looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?”
— George Carlin
123. “Life is tough, then you die.”
— George Carlin
124. “If this is the best God can do, I’m not impressed.”
— George Carlin
125. “Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.”
— George Carlin
126. “There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!”
— George Carlin
127. “There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”
— George Carlin
128. “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
— George Carlin
129. “The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.”
— George Carlin
130. “Let’s not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.”
— George Carlin
131. “The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.”
— George Carlin
132. “We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.”
— George Carlin
133. “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”
— George Carlin
134. “I love people as I meet them one by one. People are just wonderful as individuals. You see the whole universe in their eyes if you look carefully. But as soon as they begin to group, as soon as they begin to clot, when there are five of them or ten or even groups of smallest two, they begin to change, they sacrifice the beauty of the individual for the sake of the group.”
— George Carlin
135. “The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: “Gimme that! It’s mine!””
— George Carlin
136. “Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We’re not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.”
— George Carlin
137. “Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.”
— George Carlin
138. “So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.”
— George Carlin
139. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
— George Carlin
140. “Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.”
— George Carlin
141. “Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.”
— George Carlin
142. “No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.”
— George Carlin
143. “We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.”
— George Carlin
144. “I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!”
— George Carlin
145. “More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.”
— George Carlin
146. “There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”
— George Carlin
147. “Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick.”
— George Carlin
148. “Hard work is for people short on talent.”
— George Carlin
149. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”
— George Carlin
150. “Tits always look better in a pink sweater.”
— George Carlin
