Dennis Miller is an American comedian, political commentator, and television personality known for his sharp wit and acerbic humor. Rising to fame as a cast member on “Saturday Night Live” in the 1980s, Miller’s comedic style evolved to include biting cultural and political commentary. His distinct blend of intelligence and sarcasm made him a popular figure on talk shows and in stand-up comedy. Miller’s career expanded beyond comedy into radio hosting, writing, and television presenting, including his own talk shows and HBO specials. He’s recognized for his unique ability to blend sophisticated references with cutting-edge humor, often delivering rapid-fire monologues filled with cultural allusions and wordplay. Despite polarizing opinions due to his conservative political views, Miller remains a significant figure in American comedy, admired for his quick wit and fearless approach to satire.

Dennis Miller Quotes

1. “Sometimes you just have the thin the herd.”
— Dennis Miller

2. “Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.”
— Dennis Miller

3. “It’s foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.”
— Dennis Miller

4. “I rant, therefore I am.”
— Dennis Miller

5. “Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!”
— Dennis Miller

6. “We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. And the Chairman didn’t make his bones laying down for punks…”
— Dennis Miller

7. “A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.”
— Dennis Miller

8. “I haven’t seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.”
— Dennis Miller

9. “Xenophobia doesn’t benefit anybody unless you’re playing high-stakes Scrabble.”
— Dennis Miller

10. “Is global warming new? I don’t know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.”
— Dennis Miller

11. “You’ve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.”
— Dennis Miller

12. “Born again?! No, I’m not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.”
— Dennis Miller

13. “The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.”
— Dennis Miller

14. “A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you’ve probably made a serious vocational error.”
— Dennis Miller

15. “Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.”
— Dennis Miller

16. “Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.”
— Dennis Miller

17. “I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won’t kill them. Quite frankly, there’s some religions out there, you bash and they’re going to kill you.”
— Dennis Miller

18. “Now, personally, I am baffled by the concept of racial prejudice. Why hate someone based on the color of their skin when, if you take the time to get to know them as a human being, you can find so many other things to hate them for?”
— Dennis Miller

19. “The Cowboy’s defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.”
— Dennis Miller

20. “Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.”
— Dennis Miller

21. “We’ve got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It’s just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.”
— Dennis Miller

22. “Women don’t like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.”
— Dennis Miller

23. “Americans stick their nose where it doesn’t belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.”
— Dennis Miller

24. “Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people – being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.”
— Dennis Miller

25. “Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time.”
— Dennis Miller

26. “What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.”
— Dennis Miller

27. “The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don’t. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in.”
— Dennis Miller

28. “There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can’t identify the victim.”
— Dennis Miller

29. “I’m actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I’m always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn’t take too much effort.”
— Dennis Miller

30. “I am proof that Einstein’s “e equals m c squared” is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.”
— Dennis Miller

31. “Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron’s right to be that utterly, completely wrong.”
— Dennis Miller

32. “If you’re a man and you have big tits, don’t wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!”
— Dennis Miller

33. “Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.”
— Dennis Miller

34. “Trends don’t mean anything to me. If I like something, I’ll do it. If I don’t, I won’t do it, and I wouldn’t care if everybody in the country mocked me.”
— Dennis Miller

35. “I’m a comedian, for God’s sake. Viewers shouldn’t trust me. And you know what? They’re hip enough to know they shouldn’t trust me. I’m just doing stand-up comedy.”
— Dennis Miller

36. “The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.”
— Dennis Miller

37. “The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.”
— Dennis Miller

38. “One man’s Voltaire is another man’s Screech.”
— Dennis Miller

39. “Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don’t they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.”
— Dennis Miller

40. “Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.”
— Dennis Miller

41. “Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.”
— Dennis Miller

42. “The next time you get the urge to shut somebody up because they don’t see the world exactly the same way you do, take a deep breath, get out your Bill of Rights, and count to the ten amendments.”
— Dennis Miller

43. “I’m a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round.”
— Dennis Miller

44. “There’s no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years.”
— Dennis Miller

45. “I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don’t give a rat’s ass about the clueless.”
— Dennis Miller

46. “Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.”
— Dennis Miller

47. “Nervous? He’s tighter than Pat Buchanan’s sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.”
— Dennis Miller

48. “That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.”
— Dennis Miller

49. “Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.”
— Dennis Miller

50. “The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.”
— Dennis Miller

51. “You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R.”
— Dennis Miller

52. “Political Correctness is inverted McCarthyism.”
— Dennis Miller

53. “The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.”
— Dennis Miller

54. “In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you’re linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.”
— Dennis Miller

55. “I like money. It’s fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It’s just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain’s hat and a coin changer.”
— Dennis Miller

56. “If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion.”
— Dennis Miller

57. “Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu’s triplets!”
— Dennis Miller

58. “I’m like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.”
— Dennis Miller

59. “I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.”
— Dennis Miller

60. “I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called The Right Hand Stuff. I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.”
— Dennis Miller

61. “Why should I hate someone on the basis of their religion, when I can take a little time to get to know them and hate them for a myriad of real reasons.”
— Dennis Miller

62. “I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I’m getting screwed.”
— Dennis Miller

63. “In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.”
— Dennis Miller

64. “It’s wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone.”
— Dennis Miller

65. “I preume there are far too many abortions performed in this country. And I also believe that at the end of the day, as much as I might disapprove, none of them are really any of my business.”
— Dennis Miller

66. “He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O’Donnell’s house.”
— Dennis Miller

67. “Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”
— Dennis Miller

68. “Growing up, my family wasn’t very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets…”
— Dennis Miller

69. “Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?”
— Dennis Miller

70. “Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they’re becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.”
— Dennis Miller

71. “If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.”
— Dennis Miller

72. “The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.”
— Dennis Miller

73. “I’m left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that’s when I’m right.”
— Dennis Miller

74. “Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my ’68 Cutlass on our first date after watching ‘Love Story’ at the drive-in.”
— Dennis Miller

75. “I haven’t seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.”
— Dennis Miller

76. “There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.”
— Dennis Miller

77. “I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.”
— Dennis Miller

78. “And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.”
— Dennis Miller

79. “The Nazi signs have got to stop. If you’re in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign saying that ‘Bush is Hitler,’ forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass, because he is not Hitler.”
— Dennis Miller

80. “If some unemployed punk in New Jersey, can get a cassette to make love to Elle McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.”
— Dennis Miller

81. “When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar’s tomb.”
— Dennis Miller

82. “South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world’s longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!”
— Dennis Miller

83. “But the biggest fake of the year, Paul Begala’s last smile.”
— Dennis Miller

84. “The way I’ve always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I’m smart enough to know that I’m dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That’s all I do.”
— Dennis Miller

85. “If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great.”
— Dennis Miller

86. “Pop – Pop culture has turned the brain into the body’s new appendix – no real function, and it could quite possibly blow up and mill you. As organs go, you just don’t need your brain anymore!”
— Dennis Miller

87. “On Thursday, a passenger forced his way into the cockpit of a United Airlines flight from Miami, but was subdued after the co-pilot hit him with a small ax. Good to see our airlines are being kept secure by the latest in 12th century technology.”
— Dennis Miller

88. “Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.”
— Dennis Miller

89. “I’m sorry, those pictures from the Abu Ghraib. At first, they, like infuriated me, I was sad. Then like, a couple days later, after they cut the guy’s head off, they didn’t seem like much. And now, I like to trade them with my friends.”
— Dennis Miller

90. “Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm about to go under. Stewart then showed her audience how to make a festive, quick-burning yule log out of freshly-shredded financial documents.”
— Dennis Miller

91. “I don’t need to be born again. I got it right the first time.”
— Dennis Miller

92. “There’s no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn’t get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.”
— Dennis Miller

93. “The very definition of the innate hollowness of leading a political life when you end up on your nearest and dearest moments or most personal evenings with donors. That should – that should tell you all you need to know about the ramble that is politics.”
— Dennis Miller

94. “And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don’t give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Fight Club.”
— Dennis Miller

95. “A new poll shows that Senator Kerry’s support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry’s appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.”
— Dennis Miller

96. “I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.”
— Dennis Miller

97. “Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it’s a complex situation, and we don’t have the final answers yet.”
— Dennis Miller

98. “I’d rather be funny than wise.”
— Dennis Miller

99. “We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.”
— Dennis Miller

100. “There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free.”
— Dennis Miller

101. “Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?”
— Dennis Miller

102. “It’s ironic that in our culture everyone’s biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.”
— Dennis Miller

103. “It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.”
— Dennis Miller

104. “Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me. Let’s start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people’s jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me.”
— Dennis Miller

105. “When you’re sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that’s a living hell.”
— Dennis Miller

106. “A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.”
— Dennis Miller

107. “I’m one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.”
— Dennis Miller

108. “How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same – we haven’t got anybody watching.”
— Dennis Miller

109. “When your mother starts using the word “party” as a verb about her kid, that’s absolutely crazy.”
— Dennis Miller

110. “Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar.”
— Dennis Miller

111. “Laughter is one of the great beacons in life because we don’t refract it by gunning it through our intellectual prism. What makes us laugh is a mystery – an involuntary response.”
— Dennis Miller

112. “America may be the best country in the world, but that’s kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.”
— Dennis Miller

113. “That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.”
— Dennis Miller

114. “Al Gore couldn’t be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator.”
— Dennis Miller

115. “A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, ‘Hey, look at me, I’m an idiot.’”
— Dennis Miller

116. “I have a nice house. And when somebody says it’s a palace, I always feel like we’re digging a little or something.”
— Dennis Miller

117. “It’s nice to be included in the broadcast food chain.”
— Dennis Miller

118. “The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan’s knee on souvenir pipe night.”
— Dennis Miller

119. “How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?”
— Dennis Miller

120. “I know we don’t like to vote – marking your ballot nowadays is like choosing between the 3am showing of Beastmaster on Showtime and the 3am showing of Beastmaster 2 on Cinemax.”
— Dennis Miller

121. “If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.”
— Dennis Miller

122. “Obama better hope a kicked ass is covered by Obamacare.”
— Dennis Miller

123. “Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through ‘Aida.’”
— Dennis Miller

124. “That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.”
— Dennis Miller

125. “And I know your next move, I watch you so much, ‘There’s been no proven link between the secular state of Iraq and al-Qaeda!’ Come on. They both think we’re Satan. Isn’t that a nice starting point? Why are you so loathe to believe they might have each other on lunatic speed dial?”
— Dennis Miller

126. “We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.”
— Dennis Miller

127. “Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.”
— Dennis Miller

128. “Detroit’s so bad this year they might lose their bye week.”
— Dennis Miller

129. “Ah, Feminism in the nineties, what a What is yours what is mine field.”
— Dennis Miller

130. “American’s could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.”
— Dennis Miller

131. “Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.”
— Dennis Miller

132. “I’ve seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.”
— Dennis Miller

133. “President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.”
— Dennis Miller

134. “Remember, when you connect with another computer, you’re connecting to every computer that computer has connected to.”
— Dennis Miller

135. “After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that’s touchier than a Vatican summer camp.”
— Dennis Miller

136. “Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.”
— Dennis Miller

137. “I went to the UN and even the guidebook was spineless.”
— Dennis Miller

138. “The American education system couldn’t be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.”
— Dennis Miller

139. “I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I’ve had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I’m asked to leave.”
— Dennis Miller

140. “Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.”
— Dennis Miller

141. “The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.”
— Dennis Miller

142. “What’s so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It’s like a shock and aw shucks campaign.”
— Dennis Miller

143. “Parenting is the easiest job to get – you just have to screw up once and it’s yours.”
— Dennis Miller

144. “Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.”
— Dennis Miller

145. “Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.”
— Dennis Miller

146. “Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.”
— Dennis Miller

147. “I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I’m allowed to hate it if I want to.”
— Dennis Miller

148. “Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.”
— Dennis Miller

149. “The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”
— Dennis Miller

150. “The Democrats continue to snipe at Bush. They’ll never give it up to him. You know Teddy Kennedy and Tom Daschle pick more nits than a father and son spider monkey team who know they’re being followed by a National Geographic film crew.”
— Dennis Miller