David Letterman, born in 1947, is an influential American television host, comedian, and producer known for his groundbreaking late-night talk shows. He gained prominence as the host of “Late Night with David Letterman” from 1982 to 1993, where his irreverent humor, offbeat sketches, and iconic segments like “Stupid Pet Tricks” revolutionized late-night television.
Letterman’s wit and satirical edge distinguished him as a comedic force, earning him a loyal following and critical acclaim. In 1993, he transitioned to CBS to host “Late Show with David Letterman,” where he continued to entertain audiences with his sharp wit and incisive interviews until his retirement in 2015.
Throughout his career, Letterman’s impact on the comedy landscape has been profound, influencing generations of comedians and talk show hosts. His irreverent style, innovative comedy, and willingness to push boundaries have solidified his legacy as one of the most influential figures in late-night television history.
David Letterman Quotes
1. “Life experience is the best teacher.”
— David Letterman
2. “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”
— David Letterman
3. “There’s only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe – because I’ve done a little of this myself – pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.”
— David Letterman
4. “Let’s stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.”
— David Letterman
5. “You’ve got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.”
— David Letterman
6. “It’s the first day of spring. That means this weekend I’ll take down my Christmas lights.”
— David Letterman
7. “Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.”
— David Letterman
8. “Valentine’s Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.”
— David Letterman
9. “You’ll never catch a nudist with his pants down.”
— David Letterman
10. “Weak coffee is the greatest sin against humanity.”
— David Letterman
11. “The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami.”
— David Letterman
12. “It’s tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn’t we just pay taxes last year?”
— David Letterman
13. “I hate decaffeinated coffee. It’s useless brown water.”
— David Letterman
14. “Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I’ve been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It’s great to be alive.”
— David Letterman
15. “The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives.”
— David Letterman
16. “I’m a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.”
— David Letterman
17. “They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.”
— David Letterman
18. “I’m an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.”
— David Letterman
19. “For the love of God, folks, don’t try this at home.”
— David Letterman
20. “While I was gone, I had quintuple bypass surgery on my heart. Plus, I got a haircut.”
— David Letterman
21. “Theres not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesnt enjoy a tasty beverage.”
— David Letterman
22. “St. Patrick’s Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It’s not the biggest. It’s right behind New Year’s Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.”
— David Letterman
23. “Them bats is smart. They use radar!”
— David Letterman
24. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
— David Letterman
25. “Don’t forget it’s daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It’s like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.”
— David Letterman
26. “United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We’re not too fond of luggage either.”
— David Letterman
27. “The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon.”
— David Letterman
28. “The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag.”
— David Letterman
29. “In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.”
— David Letterman
30. “Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.”
— David Letterman
31. “Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women’s Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that’s missing an hour.”
— David Letterman
32. “Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.”
— David Letterman
33. “New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we’re down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.”
— David Letterman
34. “Everyday is a compromise.”
— David Letterman
35. “There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.”
— David Letterman
36. “He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.”
— David Letterman
37. “Here’s what we know about Santa. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. I think he’s with the NSA.”
— David Letterman
38. “According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.”
— David Letterman
39. “Bad news, it’s going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps.”
— David Letterman
40. “You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.”
— David Letterman
41. “Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China – oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.”
— David Letterman
42. “I just heard George W. Bush’s new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.”
— David Letterman
43. “Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn’t think I’d be able to do the show.”
— David Letterman
44. “At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.”
— David Letterman
45. “Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.”
— David Letterman
46. “President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It’s all over, it’s been won. I believe this would be Bush’s first uncontested victory.”
— David Letterman
47. “My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar’s Palace with our white tigers.”
— David Letterman
48. “Hookers in Times Square, God bless ’em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they’ll change positions.”
— David Letterman
49. “Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It’s full of Hillary Clinton emails.”
— David Letterman
50. “I don’t know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I’m on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?”
— David Letterman
51. “I wouldn’t give my troubles to a monkey on a rock.”
— David Letterman
52. “You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt – and that’s just in the hot-dogs.”
— David Letterman
53. “Love: You can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun.”
— David Letterman
54. “If it wasn’t for coffee, I’d have no discernible personality at all.”
— David Letterman
55. “When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do.”
— David Letterman
56. “There just isn’t enough televised Chess.”
— David Letterman
57. “Here in New York City, it’s cold. It’s so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.”
— David Letterman
58. “Tomorrow is Election Day. It’s what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It’s the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.”
— David Letterman
59. “Here’s the plot of ‘Interstellar.’ Refugees – they’re known as Democrats – they’re looking for a new planet.”
— David Letterman
60. “When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!”
— David Letterman
61. “Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don’t have any money in the stock market. I don’t have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.”
— David Letterman
62. “In Hollywood, Oscar is king.”
— David Letterman
63. “They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let ’em bloat!”
— David Letterman
64. “Don’t worry. It’s just a flesh wound.”
— David Letterman
65. “Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between.”
— David Letterman
66. “I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can’t do is throw coffee, I’ve said it over and over again!”
— David Letterman
67. “Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It’s the Year of the Rabbit. And here’s how dumb I am. I’m still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.”
— David Letterman
68. “When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?”
— David Letterman
69. “It’s disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.”
— David Letterman
70. “They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.”
— David Letterman
71. “Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.”
— David Letterman
72. “Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.”
— David Letterman
73. “It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.”
— David Letterman
74. “Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I’m giving my two-week notice.”
— David Letterman
75. “Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.”
— David Letterman
76. “The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it’s better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don’t care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.”
— David Letterman
77. “Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, ‘We need one of these things around the White House.’”
— David Letterman
78. “I’m so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.”
— David Letterman
79. “I’m nothing if not an optimist.”
— David Letterman
80. “You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.”
— David Letterman
81. “Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven’s symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.”
— David Letterman
82. “I’ll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me.”
— David Letterman
83. “I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited. I found what I thought at the time was a very rare seashell. And I took it to a friend of mine who works in a museum. And I was really disappointed. It turned out to be just a human ear.”
— David Letterman
84. “Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.”
— David Letterman
85. “Father’s Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.”
— David Letterman
86. “The world’s oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.”
— David Letterman
87. “I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!”
— David Letterman
88. “New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?”
— David Letterman
89. “John Kerry went duck hunting and he’s doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.”
— David Letterman
90. “You’re not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don’t you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?”
— David Letterman
91. “When Martha gets out she’ll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that’ll teach her. She’s only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock.”
— David Letterman
92. “I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, “So does the guy I stole it from.””
— David Letterman
93. “Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.”
— David Letterman
94. “Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen – he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It’s all part of Woody’s plan to grow his own wives.”
— David Letterman
95. “I’d do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it’s too cold.”
— David Letterman
96. “There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don’t buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.”
— David Letterman
97. “Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They’ve created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.”
— David Letterman
98. “America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.”
— David Letterman
99. “The Pope also said that while he’s in town he would like to go see ‘The Book of Mormon.’”
— David Letterman
100. “Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.”
— David Letterman
101. “Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don’t confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That’s urban quagmire.”
— David Letterman
102. “Every year when it’s Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers calm their frightened children by telling them it’s just gunfire.”
— David Letterman
103. “Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.”
— David Letterman
104. “A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.”
— David Letterman
105. “You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart’s personal lemon zester.”
— David Letterman
106. “Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can’t see her feet.”
— David Letterman
107. “I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.”
— David Letterman
108. “People say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.”
— David Letterman
109. “Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.”
— David Letterman
110. “A small handgun makes any TV remote control.”
— David Letterman
111. “There is no off position on the genius.”
— David Letterman
112. “The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne – out of the toilet.”
— David Letterman
113. “Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, ‘Thank you, Oprah.’”
— David Letterman
114. “Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.”
— David Letterman
115. “I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.”
— David Letterman
116. “Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.”
— David Letterman
117. “Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.”
— David Letterman
118. “Final installment of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving into a tree, microwaving your head, and getting stabbed in the eye with a carrot.”
— David Letterman
119. “Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.”
— David Letterman
120. “Donald Trump is attacking President Obama’s background. And I said, ‘Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He’s half jack and half ass.’”
— David Letterman
121. “The weather here is gorgeous. It’s mild and feels like it’s in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.”
— David Letterman
122. “Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women’s race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn’t even have time to finish their catcalls.”
— David Letterman
123. “I’m very resourceful. I’d be good in prison. I’d be good in a shipwreck. I’d make a great hostage.”
— David Letterman
124. “Let’s have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.”
— David Letterman
125. “Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother.”
— David Letterman
126. “The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It’s almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.”
— David Letterman
127. “Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: ‘A complex world demands complex hair.’”
— David Letterman
128. “We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he’s also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.”
— David Letterman
129. “The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as ‘the Leno.’ There are really two sides to this story. And America can’t wait for Kerry to present both of them.”
— David Letterman
130. “Don’t kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here’s how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds.”
— David Letterman
131. “Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.”
— David Letterman
132. “Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.”
— David Letterman
133. “Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they’re going to make a movie about it. They’re going to call it ‘Some like it Jihad.’”
— David Letterman
134. “I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn’t do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I’d consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That’s enough. I’ve had my fun and I’m glad I quit.”
— David Letterman
135. “We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.”
— David Letterman
136. “Honey, what happened to “ladies first”? Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!””
— David Letterman
137. “Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.”
— David Letterman
138. “Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, ‘How long has Mom been drinking like this?’ My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’”
— David Letterman
139. “President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They’re both in China at the same time. It’s like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.”
— David Letterman
140. “Say what you will about Leona Helmsley, when it comes to standing trial, she’s twice the man Jim Bakker is.”
— David Letterman
141. “To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You’ll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended. He’s as good as Houdini was at his best!”
— David Letterman
142. “Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don’t have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.”
— David Letterman
143. “This isn’t brain surgery; it’s just television.”
— David Letterman
144. “Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie ‘King Kong’ and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that’s Maria Shriver.”
— David Letterman
145. “Let’s see what’s going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers – they are truly living the American Dream.”
— David Letterman
146. “After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me – I don’t have a lifestyle.”
— David Letterman
147. “Night clubs scare me. They’re dark and they stink and they’re dangerous and everybody’s drunk.”
— David Letterman
148. “Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I’m telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.”
— David Letterman
149. “I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart.”
— David Letterman
150. “I don’t like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.”
— David Letterman
