Jerry Seinfeld, born in 1954 in Brooklyn, New York, is an iconic comedian, actor, and writer best known for co-creating and starring in the hit sitcom “Seinfeld.” His distinctive observational humor, often focusing on mundane aspects of everyday life, resonated with audiences worldwide, making the show a cultural phenomenon during its nine-season run from 1989 to 1998.
Seinfeld’s comedic style is characterized by his ability to find humor in the trivialities of human existence, exploring topics ranging from relationships to social etiquette with sharp wit and insight. Beyond “Seinfeld,” he has remained a prominent figure in stand-up comedy, with multiple comedy specials and tours showcasing his talent.
His influence extends beyond comedy, with his web series “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” further showcasing his wit and conversational skills. Jerry Seinfeld’s enduring legacy in comedy is marked by his ability to find humor in the ordinary and his impact on shaping modern comedic sensibilities.
Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
1. “The best revenge is living well.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
2. “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
3. “Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
4. “See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
5. “The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That’s marriage, it’s kids, it’s work, it’s exercise. Find the torture you’re comfortable with and you’ll do well. You’ve mastered that, you’ve mastered life.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
6. “Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
7. “Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
8. “These pretzels are making me thirsty!”
— Jerry Seinfeld
9. “Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
10. “There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
11. “If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
12. “To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
13. “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
14. “Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this?”
— Jerry Seinfeld
15. “If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
16. “Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
17. “There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
18. “I have a problem with that silver medal. It’s like, ‘Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you’re the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld
19. “If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
— Jerry Seinfeld
20. “You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
21. “Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?”
— Jerry Seinfeld
22. “What’s the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don’t they call it Roundtine?”
— Jerry Seinfeld
23. “I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
24. “You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
25. “Writer’s block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
26. “I love advertising because I love lying.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
27. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
28. “I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you’re probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
29. “Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
30. “Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
31. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
32. “People don’t think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
33. “People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
34. “What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
35. “Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
36. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
37. “I don’t return fruit. Fruit’s a gamble. I know that going in.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
38. “I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, ‘Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld
39. “The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
40. “I hate the waiting room. Because it’s called the waiting room, there’s no chance of not waiting. It’s built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they’ve got this room all set up?”
— Jerry Seinfeld
41. “I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?”
— Jerry Seinfeld
42. “Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
43. “When you interrupt, you’ve stopped listening. People need to be heard.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
44. “Let’s examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He can’t believe that you’ve accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. “He’s back again! It’s that guy! It’s that guy!””
— Jerry Seinfeld
45. “What’s the point of dating without games? How do you know if you’re winning or losing?”
— Jerry Seinfeld
46. “I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
47. “I am speechless: I have no speech.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
48. “I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
49. “Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?”
— Jerry Seinfeld
50. “I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it’s regular-sized and my muscles are huge.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
51. “There’s a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
52. “I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!”
— Jerry Seinfeld
53. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
54. “I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
55. “I’m old, I’m rich and I’m tired.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
56. “Why does McDonald’s have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?”
— Jerry Seinfeld
57. “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld
58. “The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
59. “Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
60. “All magic is ‘Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld
61. “Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman’s exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
62. “Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
63. “Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
64. “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
65. “I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”
— Jerry Seinfeld
66. “It’s hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
67. “The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
68. “There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
69. “If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
70. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
71. “I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
72. “People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
73. “You can measure distance by time. ‘How far away is it?’ ‘Oh about 20 minutes.’ But it doesn’t work the other way. ‘When do you get off work?’ ‘Around 3 miles.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld
74. “So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, ‘What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld
75. “I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
76. “Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
77. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
78. “Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
79. “I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
80. “Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
81. “We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
82. “The biggest laugh has to come at the end.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
83. “Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
84. “Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
85. “I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
86. “I admire the hell out of her. You can’t have sex with someone you admire.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
87. “Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
88. “Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!”
— Jerry Seinfeld
89. “Fear of success is one of the new fears I’ve heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we’re running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
90. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
91. “You’ll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
92. “I mean, she’s giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can’t be with someone like that.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
93. “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
94. “Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
95. “It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That’s what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
96. “I don’t wanna be a Pirate!!!!”
— Jerry Seinfeld
97. “What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
98. “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
99. “Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren’t for lies, there’d be no sex.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
100. “I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
101. “I am freaking out! I am freaking out.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
102. “For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity – I just don’t want to do that.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
103. “There’s no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It’s the greatest thing in the world.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
104. “People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
105. “When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
106. “Men want to make women happy.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
107. “The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
108. “A chef who doesn’t wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It’s a cry for help.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
109. “The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
110. “There’s nothing more fun than entertaining kids.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
111. “Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
112. “Economy is essential to all good art.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
113. “A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
114. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
115. “Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
116. “If you’ve got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn’t your biggest problem.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
117. “You can be passionate about anything.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
118. “On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said – ‘Do not attempt to fly!’”
— Jerry Seinfeld
119. “Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It’s a force for good or evil. It’s no different from money. It’s power.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
120. “I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
121. “I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that’s your answer.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
122. “If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours. If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
123. “What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
124. “Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
125. “Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
126. “Nobody cares about someone like me, because they don’t know the frustration that you feel when you have the solution, but you do not have the problem.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
127. “Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
128. “Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.””
— Jerry Seinfeld
129. “Golf is the ultimate avoidance activity for the dysfunctional dad. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrationally time consuming, the word golf itself can only stand for ‘Get Out, Leave Family.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld
130. “Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
131. “I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!”
— Jerry Seinfeld
132. “See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
133. “People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
134. “I love the day date. No wine, no shower.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
135. “I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn’t want to talk to I could just go, “Excuse me, I’m not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away.””
— Jerry Seinfeld
136. “Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
137. “People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: “Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?””
— Jerry Seinfeld
138. “Everybody in New York City knows there’s way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
139. “If someone’s lying, are their pants really on fire.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
140. “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
141. “I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
142. “The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
143. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”
— Jerry Seinfeld
144. “Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going “Quit it.””
— Jerry Seinfeld
145. “I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
146. “There’s no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
147. “A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it’s just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
148. “That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
149. “Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
150. “I love energy. I love it. And I pursue it, and I want more of it. Physical and mental energy, to me, are the greatest riches of human life. And TM is like a free account of an endless amount of it.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
